Because I apparently need diagrams to explain exactly what I'm thinking, I'm going to explaining things in list format. If I do have to resort to pictures, I'm going to hate you all.
First and foremost, let's start at the beginning, which was literally a week ago. There was only one problem I had with Breezy's post, and that was the fact that she was complaining about things that we'd be happy to solve if we actually knew about them. Frankly, I didn't even really give a crap that she posted on her journal. I didn't even really give a crap that she was criticizing PC. The entire problem there was the fact that she posted a long rant about it in her journal and seemed utterly surprised that we were about to make a mistake when we really weren't told by anyone -- including some of the vets on the board because they, for whatever reason, had their heads up their asses and believed that things would be just peachy if they didn't step in and said something -- that it was a bad idea. In other words, it wasn't the content. It was the fact that there was a communication problem. I had to be linked to that post because otherwise, I wouldn't have known there were already complaints.
Now, this kind of thing happened pretty damn frequently in my time on the internet. Players on the Network liked to complain about one thing or another concerning the Rocket plot, and no matter which way I adjusted things, it didn't work out. Their solution? State vague complaints to me or just complain about my GMing style behind my back. Then, there were the kids on PFU, who kept whining that I modded or didn't mod certain people instead of, you know, asked me about my decisions. Oh, and then, I got some really awesome gems of fail in The Legend of La Blanca (my second RPG), wherein a newbie decided to tell me through an anon meme that I fail at GMing without, you know, providing any examples as to what she was talking about. This was also the same game in which one of the disgruntled former players decided that the best way of trying to get my attention was to take an account of the approvers' (yours truly included) attempts to explain to him as politely as possible why his character was rejected, warp all of the events to make it look like I was the evil one, and post it to BRPS. Instead of, you know, just sitting down and being a sane little player for us.
So, yes, I don't take the entire "complain about something I've got a major hand in in places where I can't see them, even though you're addressing problems that I can actually get fixed if I knew about them" thing well because, well, it's happened. Repeatedly. I don't care if you actually complain afterwards on your personal LJ because it's your personal space. I just care that you complain and expect me to magically be able to fix the problem you're complaining about.
That out of the way, let's move on to the real part of the wank.
Look, I know you're sarcastic and all. I didn't hang around you for these past few years without being able to pick up on that. I was just under the assumption that you'd be able to, you know, be a decent person who can exercise empathy and tact whenever appropriate. Apparently, my faith in humanity is a bit overly optimistic because this entire wankery wouldn't have happened if you weren't sarcastic when you tried to tell me to settle down. Seriously, on what magical planet can you do things like call someone insulting names, claim it's true, and then expect them not to be pissed off? Because I want to avoid that planet if at all possible.
For that matter, let's have a run-down of what you just did.
1. You, of course, called me a n00b and tried to justify it by saying it's true. And you really think I'm going to say, "Oh, I'm sorry! I'll be more mature!"? No. I'm going to be pissed off.
2. You accuse me of reading what you're saying incorrectly. Hilariously, you then proceed to accuse me of saying shit I didn't even say. Again, I was never protesting that Breezy was posting about this in her journal, but you repeatedly said things like, "OMG YOU'RE BEING A HYPOCRITE." You accused me of assuming everyone was after you, and I don't even know where the hell you got that because all I said was that people were criticizing things that could easily be fixed if they actually told me about it. You even accused me of saying that your opinion is invalid. I never said that, either, but we'll get to that in a moment. Long story short, where the hell do you get the balls to say I misread you when you keep misreading me? Furthermore, how else am I supposed to take "your behavior is n00bish"? Seriously, enlighten me there.
3. For that matter, your opinion about PC is founded on a community that doesn't even exist anymore. Everyone you knew left, Astinus scrapped the rules that Pichu put up, and even the forums got completely rearranged since you left. Moreover, you state that you don't want to go back there to even see whether or not your opinion might be modified by how it actually is now.
By the way, I find it hilariously ironic that you're perfectly allowed to say that PC's community is broken, and I'm not allowed to say the same thing about SPPf, based on a combination of what I've experienced (namely, Yami Ryu's reviewing) and what I've been linked to since I temporarily left. But I'll get into a rant about this later.
4. Then, you send me an apology note. In a very loose sense of the term, at least, because you continue to accuse me of shit I didn't actually say and then proceed to be pretty fucking passive-aggressive by implying that I would misinterpret your note as an attack. Well, if you'd just have left it without further explanations as to why you got defensive, you wouldn't give me material to think that way. No, I'm not interpreting this as an attack. I'm saying you're being pretty childish without realizing it yourself because you don't seem to like reading over your comments to see how it could come out.
5. For that matter, yes, reading over your comments and realizing being sarcastic, dry, or defensive when you're trying to get someone else who's sarcastic, dry, or being defensive at that moment isn't very effective could save you the trouble of a fucking anxiety attack.
6. It was not a one-sided flamewar. You called my actions n00bish, tried to justify yourself in doing so, and was generally pretty damn condescending to me, regardless of how much you say that wasn't your intention. Again, read over your work before posting. If someone you know wouldn't snap at you keeps on snapping at you, chances are, there's something wrong with what you're saying that's triggering them. Of course, maybe you just don't know me well enough to know that if I get triggered by something, I will continue to be triggered until something changes. Notice how I didn't go after Breezy or the others? Because they had an ounce of fucking tact.
7. And then, despite knowing that I'm busy and need to calm down and think about a response, you proceed to go onto your own LJ and say that I'm ignoring you. Oh, I'm sorry that I need to meditate on things for a bit and that I'm obviously in the wrong mindset to reply to an attempt to repair things between us. Next time, I'll get right back to someone like that and be a vicious bitch at an inappropriate time.
8. Oh, and the entire "moral victor" thing was a really nice touch. As was calling me "Jackie." Way to come off condescending and all. Did you know that I really hate being patronized? Like, more than anything else you could possibly do to me?
9. So was, for that matter, outright saying that you don't care either way whether or not we settle things. Does this mean your entire fucking apology was actually pretty hollow because you actually have no interest either way in apologizing, or am I just misreading you again?
In all, I was thinking about apologizing to you because, you know, half of why I was so hostile was because shit was coming from everywhere, and the reminder of what went down with everyone ever on everything else I've ever run wasn't a fun touch. But then, reading over your note again and going to your journal to see if you said anything since then (because, a couple days later, I still haven't gotten a response to that entire, "Well, actually, I didn't say this, and I need to think about what I want to say because I'm pissed off again." note that I sent you in return) only to find that, yes, you did reminded me why I got so very pissed off at you.
Look, being sarcastic is fine and dandy, but learn to be fucking empathic once in awhile. You act like you're the only one who can be defensive and feel stressed over that entire fucking thing, but how was I supposed to feel when you decided to respond to my posts by being increasingly abrasive in your attempts to tell me to calm down? Sunshine and daisies? Human communication does not work that way.
And finally, for one last rant...
You know, I'm getting pretty sick of LJ. It started off when an old friend of mine back in 2004 told me that I was being too emo, but they were perfectly content with staying friends with someone who wrote nothing but whiny posts. And it continued right up until this, where evidently, I'm not allowed to voice my opinions about a forum on another board, but it's perfectly okay if someone else does it almost verbatim, with just the names changed, on LJ. Likewise, I'm not allowed to tell off someone, but it's perfectly forgivable if some other girl does the same thing to the same person. I'm not allowed to make an innocent joke about something in my personal journal, but it's perfectly okay if half the internet makes worse jokes about it. Double fucking standards, kids. It's fun for you and me, I guess.
Seriously, it's the people on this blogging website that have made me lose my faith in humanity repeatedly. I'm not allowed to say or do anything, I guess, except stuff that makes me look like I think the entire world's sunshine and daisies.
This is why I'm moving. I don't even know if it'll be any better elsewhere. I know for certain that I won't get nearly enough comments as I usually do, and I'll definitely miss the sane kids. (I plan on keeping my account to check my friends list maybe once a week. I just don't want to participate in LJ's atmosphere that much anymore.)
Currently, I haven't really figured out where I'll be going. If I feel nostalgic, you'll eventually find me on Diaryland (because Pitas.com was one of my first blogs). If I feel like going where a lot of people are going, I'll probably end up on Wordpress. I know I have Dreamwidth, but it's basically LiveJournal with a fraction of the people.
Also, fandom. I'm planning on leaving a lot of boards once mine is better set up. I'm really tired of even trying anymore. People don't listen on PC, and SPPf? Loads like crap. Not to mention I feel like it's just as dramatic sometimes as anywhere else. I'm going back and forth about FFNet. I sort of want to go back to being the kind of writer and reviewer I was back in 2004, but on the other hand, it seems like most kids on that site just go after more drama or the same plots ripped off a handful of mediocre fanfics. dA is definitely out of the question for a hangout place because it's pretty damn overdramatic sometimes, although I like stalking a few artists there. And other than that, I don't participate in fandom anyway, so.
Long story short, my domain's quickly becoming the corner of the internet I keep threatening to retreat to, so I think that this time, I might actually do it. I'm fed up with about half of this crap as it is.
And I'm definitely leaving LiveJournal soon.
On that note, I'm going to be spending the rest of the afternoon applying for jobs because, evidently, I don't have enough experience for the handful I was hoping for. Because the real world wants you to magically have paid experience before you can apply for anything at all.
Oh, also, did I mention I'm in SSFFS library while doing this? Because the construction happening in the science quad is most likely the reason why Green Street doesn't have power or the internet right now.
P.S. I woke up with a slight hangover, too.
Bella Swan is a necrophiliac.
- I hate this fandom.